I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
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Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
Only short people can save us
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
I’m calling the cops.
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
I’m a self-made hundredaire
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how