Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
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Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?