I slept in until 9:30 this morning. But don’t be too jealous because I did it wrong and now I can’t look to the left.
You Might Also Like
Who says great literature is dead?
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
*gets down on one knee*
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”