Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

temp agency: can you do retail

lizard: yes

My co-workers found out when my birthday is so now I need to find a new job

birds and squirrels envy us

A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid

Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.

I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”

[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT

Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.

my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea

I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…

Found something new to say when I leave a room.

It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.

*watches a house fall on you*

*steals your shoes*

I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.

[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE

look bro it’s not gay, i just wanna sleep nestled into your arm because it allows me to angle my head at the perfect 37 degree angle that relieves my nasal congestion

is getting good sleep gay now

is it homosexual to be alert in normal daylight hours

This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.

Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!

Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*

Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you

I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special

Me: beware the clyde of march

Clyde: I’m standing right here

Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)

Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen

I’m ready to try another planet.

My oldest chicken is going through henopause

I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.

Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.

[packing for holiday]

WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase

ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen

I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.

GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.

MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong