I slept like a baby, knowing I’m a burden to everyone around me
You Might Also Like
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
how I feel after a shower
versus how I look after a shower
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
Be the reason someone burns sage.
Construction sites are so shy. Let me see
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
friend: i’m just going to date myself
me: you can do better
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
Very proud of my HOA community. A Karen took a picture of home & posted it to the community FB group saying she didn’t like the color they painted it & she shouldn’t be forced to look at it, was reporting it to the HOA. Everyone banded together to criticize her & now she’s moving