I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
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Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
Beware…..
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
Barbie gone wild
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
Customer is always right
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me: