I slept like a log last night.

A badger pissed on me.

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It’s not that I don’t like drinking, it’s just I find that my aim when throwing bottles in your face is allot more accurate when I’m sober.


(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂


Should I buy a new pair of sunglasses or just leave $60 in a restaurant?


Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.


*notices girl singing song that’s on in coffee shop*
Me: You’re a Cher fan too!?
Her: Hold on
*takes off bluetooth*
Her: What?
*dies alone*


Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.


This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.


The road to hell is paved with good intentions

Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.