@Dani_Feld

I slept like a log last night.

A badger pissed on me.

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@PimpleEye

It’s not that I don’t like drinking, it’s just I find that my aim when throwing bottles in your face is allot more accurate when I’m sober.

@thomas_violence

(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂

@theyearofelan

Should I buy a new pair of sunglasses or just leave $60 in a restaurant?

@Burger_Time_

Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.

@heymonroe

*notices girl singing song that’s on in coffee shop*
Me: You’re a Cher fan too!?
Her: Hold on
*takes off bluetooth*
Her: What?
*dies alone*

@MrC2daG

Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.

@JimmerThatisAll

This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.

@MsSouthernStems

The road to hell is paved with good intentions

Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.