I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
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Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
Welcome to your late 40s from now on you will no longer be in “good health” but in “good health for your age”
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
584.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Okay just a reminder for everyone to mute themselves.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
Got my mate for secret Santa (guy who spends all his time grooming his beard, drinking whisky, oiling his beard, drinking beer, combing his beard, drinking coffee, and wearing novelty Star Wars clothing) and I’m stumped
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.