i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
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I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
How it started How it’s going
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao