I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
You Might Also Like
Simple
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
so, is there a mister shapen head
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama