I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
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When I moved into my new igloo, my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I’m homeless.#dadjokes #dadjoke #puns
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
“The library was closed yesterday.”
“Yes.”
“I tried to call with a question.”
“Sorry for the inconvenience.”
“It was kind of important.”
“Well can I help you with it now?”
“I wanted help yesterday.”
“Well, I’m here now.”
“Okay fine. What’s Harrison Ford’s astrological sign?”
remember
only for emergencies
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.