Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.

Now I have a swimming pool.

Nobody:

Absolutely no one:

Not a single soul on this Earth:

Not even their mom:

iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”

Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.

Things the GOP has battled this week:

1. Ethics
2. Intelligence

what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card

They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul

Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.

I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.

There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.

If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth

Who would have thought that eating 4 cans of beans would backfire like this?

applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”

If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers

It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.

the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane

I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.

When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.

~ Night club conversations and marriage

Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:

Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas

Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no

One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.

The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.

Mom says she’s watching a video about dating fossils.

I wonder if that’s how she met Dad?

If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.

Told my 18yo we’re out of mac’n’cheese, so he’d have to do something else for lunch for once. He says, “I’ll just break into my personal stash.” Goes into his room, rummages around, comes out with two boxes of Annie’s mac’n’cheese.

?????

Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.

I feel this so hard

*Runs across campus to get to class on time*

Whew! I made it!

*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*

*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…

Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins

*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!

Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn

Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it

why does this picture look like abed accidentally transported into gilmore girls and not that the actor is actually in this scene