I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
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4 year old has a new bit where he pretends to have a fatal scooter accident. it’s very funny but the other patrons of the farmer’s market seemed alarmed
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
My husband and I take turns unloading the dishwasher, but I usually rerun it or pretend it’s his turn. He does the same, so basically, the dishwasher hasn’t been unloaded in three years.
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
It’s been really good to have my son home for the weekend. I’d almost forgotten how sarcastic he is.