I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
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Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
the toddler refers to every baby as Baby [Name], like Baby is their formal title
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
She asked to see where the magic happens, so I showed her my toasted sandwich maker
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.