I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
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*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
when someone rings the doorbell
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
I get a bunch of targeted ads asking me to donate my sperm. and I’m down as long as they don’t use it for making babies.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure