I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
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Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
applying for a new job
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
My default excuse for cancelling plans is “poetry.” No one has ever asked me to elaborate.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
if there is a particular food you would like your children to eat less, just go buy a massive box of it at Costco
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*