Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.

Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly

I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.

I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.

I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now

When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.

Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.

I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.

I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.

I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.

When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.

I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one

Are we there yet?…

What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?

You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood

So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.

Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.

I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.

Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club

Guy: The meeting was yesterday

Me: I know

Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good

When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.

My boyfriend always complains that I never smile, but he’s the one who wanted a serious relationship.

Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?

Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done

Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon

wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands

There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.

Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.

I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.

On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice

May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean

Greeting card

[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s

[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s

I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends

You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.