I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
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Raisins are grape jerky.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?