I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
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The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
[Wine tasting]
Do you have anything in a 24 Pepsi?
— Benny 'Last Man' Rollins (@citizenkawala) December 14, 2024