I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
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DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
don’t we all
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!