I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
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me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
Software Development ⛵️
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
Webb. James Webb.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
Window air conditioners are the camel of the appliance world.
You haven’t turned the A/C on in a month? It has rained 0.04″ in the past 2 weeks? Don’t worry, the A/C has planned for this and has stored up water to pour out onto your pants and the floor as soon as you remove it.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.