Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Judge: Let’s start the spelling bee. Your word is “mitosis.”

Student: Would you use it in a sentence?

Judge: “When my sister asked if any part of my foot hurt, I said mitosis.”

I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?

Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.

him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you

me:

Denmark has recalled packets of instant Korean ramen for being too spicy. In related news, the United Kingdom has recalled packets of plain instant porridge for the same reason.

Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok

Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice

Me: I’m gonna tell em

My weirdo cat only drinks from a glass on the kitchen bench. I was chatting to a visiting friend in the kitchen and noticed the cat glass was empty so I filled it. 5 minutes later it was empty again. My friend had just drunk two delicious glasses of cat water. I didn’t tell him.

[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!

Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.

A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.

I’m still annoyed that you can catch Covid more than once. I can’t explain why, but it feels kind of rude.

This dudes dogs 😁battle cry

My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.

Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.

[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”

no show does a misunderstanding/miscommunication plot better than modern family does 😭

The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.

If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?

I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.

Wiggle is the best of all rooms.

I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.

Me: Go to bed

5-year-old: One more question

Me: Fine

5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?

Me

5:

Me: Get some coffee

Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity

[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum

Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?

My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it

[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?

Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering

Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead

Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?

God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.

Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe