I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
You Might Also Like
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
Boss: hey are those expense reports done yet?
[Me, frantically minimizing a Wikipedia tab on RABIES displayed on a 34″ ultrawide curved monitor]: no
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
A woman at the gym called me handsome so I guess I’m getting married you guys.
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
These apps are getting out of control.
There I was, laying on a slab of rock in an ancient temple about to be sacrificed by a cult and they have the audacity to ask me to download their app and rate their sacrifice experience.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
(2022)
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
I think Neptune can hear the YouTube video my son is watching.
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
The grocery store accidentally included chlorine tablets in our order, we don’t have a pool so I guess the kids are getting extra clean in the bath tonight
can I use a minion as a tampon
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
Following my previous tweet, I would like to clarify that I am not running for mayor. I meant to say that I was running from the mayor but mistyped because I was running at the time.