i smell a pulitzer
You Might Also Like
Alexa, make me look good naked.
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
😭😭😭
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
host: name a famous tattoo artist
me: *buzzing in* abraham inkin
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
Your cougar jokes make me puma pants.
I now feel I’ve watched enough reruns of The Shawshank Redemption on basic cable that I’ll be able to successfully make it in prison.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
if your best friend is whoever wishes you happy birthday first, mine is a dentist’s office i went to once 7 years ago
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.