i smell a pulitzer
![]()
You Might Also Like
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
God, I love Scotland
![]()
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE