“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
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Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
Heroic Misunderstanding
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
“the angry hot sky ball is gone…”
🖤🤣
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE