Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win

[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator

“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.

The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.

Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)

Him: Are you free later?

Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.

The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.

Prosecutor: I object

Me: No, you a person

Judge: On what grounds?

Me: The courthouse grounds

Judge: I’m ordering you-

Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad

Judge: Bailiff, take him out

Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol

An evil genius rising to a position of power is bad but it makes sense at least. Feels insulting we’re constantly seeing evil dumbasses doing it instead

[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seek

me: nice to meet you

voice from behind the photocopier: you too

Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.

“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”

My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.

Every Law & Order episode should end with:

“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”

My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now

Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:

“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”

*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*

Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?

“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1

FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”

I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on

Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear

If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano

Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]

“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛

goldiesglobe

Eight minutes into dinner date and I’m out of knock knock jokes.

79.

*nothing on the kitchen table*

*nothing on the living room floor*

*nothing on the coffee table*

*nothing on the dining room table*

7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*

I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.

Nothing is hungrier than a Roomba that sees a charger cord.

We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.

A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.