“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
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My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
It’s been six months and I still haven’t received the book I ordered: “How to Scam People”.
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient