“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
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I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
“Twister 3” should be told from a cow’s POV.
My yoga studio has two rooms so there’s a power yoga class at the same time as prenatal. And today the power yoga teacher didn’t show up so uh shout out to all the guys who joined in pregnancy yoga and did fantastic. welcome to your pelvic floor
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.