“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
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People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
I’m gonna put “CEO of Blockbuster Video” on my resume because who are they gonna call to confirm?
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
This guy blowing through stop signs to get to church on time must be pious as hell.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
You’re locked in a room with nothing but 88 keys, none of which unlock the door. How do you escape?
A piano has 88 keys! All you need to do is play a scale on the piano, then step on the scale and get a weigh.
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore