“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
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who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
I translated it for you because it’s just the funniest dialog
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Orcas are not our friends
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
wearing a condom while she on birth control call that two factor authentication
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Saw this yesterday lol
