I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
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When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck got engaged, broke up, married other people, had children, reunited, got married, broke up again, and I’ve been single that whole time.
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
Hot Hot Hot
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
according to every romcom i’ve ever seen, i should find love at the airport today . will keep all of you posted
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth