I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
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If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here