I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
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If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
Just caught a glimpse of myself in a shop window and realised I’ve got my trousers on upside down 🤦🏻♂️
Schrödinger’s cookie
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.