I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
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Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
The grocery store accidentally included chlorine tablets in our order, we don’t have a pool so I guess the kids are getting extra clean in the bath tonight
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
I call my toilet “Jim”…
It sounds much better when I announce “I’m going to the Jim” every morning.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
[Flirting]
I can turn anything into a PDF, baby.
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
She said she wanted to eat at “the most expensive place in town” so here we are at the stadium concession stand.
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.