Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?

me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap

executioner: coming right up

It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.

me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house

son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me

me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books

this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home

“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”

–Pluto, the former planet

Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.

I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.

“Can you describe your self in two words?”

– Lazy.

Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.

Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.

(Fancy restaurant)

Me: One food please.

ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that

why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me

I’m excuse, what’s your drunk

cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please

my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh

*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*

Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!

Ariel: But I like him.

Sebastian: What would your father say!?!

My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.

Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone

I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems

Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”

18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”

28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”

It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive

How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8

TSA guy searched my bag. Found my idol light sticks.

Him: “The hell are these? Mini Yoda lightsabers?
Me: “Oh they’re just light sticks. For concerts and stuff.”

He then fucking leaned in and did a Yoda voice.

“MMH. MASTER RAVER, I AM.” He said.

Blindsided me.

[music store]

me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar

him: sir, that’s a mandolin

I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?

“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.

My father (68, white, straight, male): “Hey, can you explain this bear in the woods thing to me? I don’t understand. Obviously, women would rather meet a random gay man in the woods. But why does he have to be a bear?”

Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious

PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:

When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.

I call it Lip palm.

It’s free.