Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”

When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?

Amidst all the commercialism, please remember the true meaning of Christmas: whacking your siblings on the head with cardboard wrapping paper tubes

I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.

my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter

[on the couch having tea]

Me: this is nice.

Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.

*at the red lobster*

me: i will have the red lobster

waiter: okay

I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.

It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?

therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?

me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me

therapist: no

“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”

“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”

So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?

Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.

Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.

Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.

There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.

Idiot.

“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.

If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.

fedex guy: here’s ur package

me: thanks

fedex guy: sign please

me: [blushing] Pisces

thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair

Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.

Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.

“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”

“Nothing matters….”

her: I like my men strong

me: *lifts-*

her: but sensitive

me: *-a puppy*

I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said

Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher

Me: I wanna be ugly

Genie: you got 3 wishes left

As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.

Everyone tells me to take care, but no one tells me where they have kept it.

Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*

Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate

Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.