I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
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Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
Not being able to eat before blood work is so stupid. Yes I’m aware my funyon levels have spiked am I dying or not?
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
Obsessed with when babies see a younger baby and say “baby!” Like girl, ur the Spider-Man meme right now
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.