I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
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ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
“We will wed,” I threatened
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
You’ll be OK
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.