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A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive