Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”

Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.

Dragon: This is the last time.

Unicorn: Hell yeah!

Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]

April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.

11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?

Me: no more YouTube before bed.

LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.

You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.

If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.

I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.

Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.

I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel

“What are you doing here?”

I just got fired from the circus

“Oh my”

Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond

My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.

Me: What. Like a cat?

My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.

Millennials are “quiet breathing” on company time, often inhaling AND exhaling at the office

I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂

You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.

They just take your money and run.

ME: hey did u get my letter?

HER: No

ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now

HER: You mean carrier pigeon?

ME: lol what

Stop blaming everyone for all of your problems. Pick the one person you really hate and blame them for everything

If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.

“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.

life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS

Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’

Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.

Please send chickpeas.

TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service

My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”

I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂

Don’t tell me how to lift my baby

Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.

Wiggle is the best of all rooms.

KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed

I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.

Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account