Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again

Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest

One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.

Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift

“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.

Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
Marioooooo

Mushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad

If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.

Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…

Sounds like a fun night!

Lady in the park:

Your baby is dressed beautifully what’s the occasion

Me: she’s about to go into the next size so I’m making t sure she’s worn things at least once 😂

My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?

There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-

My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.

Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed

Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME

gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts

Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference

We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”

Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?

[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.

Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you

Me: ok

Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory

Me: oh no

i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.

Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?

[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister

I come from a family of failed magicians.

I have 2 half sisters

I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me

yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day

Why do parents bust into your room like they are trying to see you cheating on them with another pair of parents or something 😭😂

When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”

Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it

Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.

me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order