Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.

Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother

I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.

5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?

I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings

[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face

interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years

me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away

‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress

Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no

My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.

Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.

Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees

When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.

Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!

Twitter: nope

Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage

“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama

Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed

When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.

Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?

[lunch date]

“I’ll have a salad.”

Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.

Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.

[during sex]

me: imma turn the ceiling fan on

giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo

When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?

…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda

I’m a good person!

You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.

guys I’m going home

Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.

If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.

One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.

The inventor of perforated paper has died.

RIP

Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.

[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING: