Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’

Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”

If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think

My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?

Me, reading some of your tweets

My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.

And so so dumb.

I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too

I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying

I hate it when you ask what you thought was a simple question in a meeting at work, and it turns into another meeting.

Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.

Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.

My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.

My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.

i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it

I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets

Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime

Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?

Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*

I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.

Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:

My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”

Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…

People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.

How to find Kentucky on a map

Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips

here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome

playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.

[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]

What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?

Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy

Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol