Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.

Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”

Moon: “So?”

Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”

Moon: “Very funny.”

Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…

If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:

Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.

My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing

dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it

ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?

ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.

ME: I know. How about Friday?

[NASA March 1970]

Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?

NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!

[NASA April 1970]

[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]

Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.

Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur

starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes

Me: it’s time to go to sleep

3: Nope, I don’t think so

Me: who asked you?!

If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”

Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.

My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:

1) Me
2) My Best Friend

My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.

WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically

^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats

You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300

The caterer: I’m the caterer

Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!

Fun Fact:

The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.

I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election

The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.

when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready

FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,

so

the limit is 412 chicken nuggets

Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.

“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it

As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.

I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”

Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies

I…do not understand how electricity works.