Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI show up drunk on Fridays and sexually harass my coworkers

I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself

pretty sure we already dropped enough balls in 2024

“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.

Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –

Apologies in advance to my coroner

Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.

a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis

Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?

Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée

“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests

Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.

Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.

When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’

You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.

My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.

Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.

Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship

Him: You’ll be sorry

Me: I sure hope so

Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?

Dogs get it.

Next time, join in.

I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”

@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.

My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer

Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.

I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.

Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills

Me: yes that number is zero

Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.

Cop: Stop playing the race card.

Inventing The Octopus-

God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?

It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.

My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts

if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off

When libraries troll their patrons.