I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
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giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
A family that plays together cheats.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
Mad Max: Furry Road
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.