I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
You Might Also Like
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
one thing they don’t tell you in driving school is that it’s ok to miss your exit and get off on the next one and loop back, instead of coming nearly to a full stop in the middle of the freeway or careening across multiple lanes of traffic quickly to try to make it
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
Okey dokey.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
Me [gasping]: Man, this stationary bike is harder than it looks.
Trainer: Now that you’re finally on it you should probably start pedaling.
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
When I tell my husband I have to go to the bathroom, he’s all like, I don’t need to know that, but bring home a new pet and he’s suddenly like, we need to work on your communication skills
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
Breaking news:
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]