Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery

Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*

5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?

I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.

Every family has a crazy aunt.

Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.

Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.

Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.

Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.

Welcome to adulthood.

Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.

Me: What are you up to?

Her: I’m making Chinese.

Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.

Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog:

You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.

me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries

kfc: you mean potato wedges?

me: yes potato wedges please

Note to self: placing a cup to capture the coffee coming out of the coffee maker makes for a better start to the morning..

My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.

Me: how are you

Friday: good

I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time

Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?

I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.

wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*

Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day

jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross

Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?

Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day

PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET

I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.

Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.

I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.

Wait for it…

This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.