I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
You Might Also Like
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
whoever was the first to shorten “Richard” down to “Dick” must have really hated that guy
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
Introverted vegans go meetless
I’ve started using a firming serum and have definitely noticed a difference. I’m making firm decisions now.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
i lied there’s no sex. stand over there and tell me if this painting im hanging is straight
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*