Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.

police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long

me: i thought we were doing a silly one

Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.

me: so where do you go to school

new babysitter: It’s private

me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone

Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.

7-year-old: Yeah.

Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?

7: I come here to relax, not work.

I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.

spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability

This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.

i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon

[The Cheesecake Factory]

*looking at menu*

Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.

wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants

*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*

Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.

Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.

Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.

[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT

the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.

i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative

A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?

Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.

Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?

Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.

Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor

Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman

Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight

Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead

Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack

Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together

My Plans 2020

If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.

I built a tricycle pram tonight

*adds bike mechanic to the resume*

I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.

Him: What’s your cup size?

Me: Venti

When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”

My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.