My uber driver’s looking at me like he’s never seen anyone eat a bowl of cereal in the back of his car before.
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
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Oh, you wash your clothes each time you wear them? Well la de da, your majesty.
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*
ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
When I found out that my neighbour is allergic to cats
I bought one
And I have never seen him since.
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.