@murrman5

I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift

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@ComedicBust

My uber driver’s looking at me like he’s never seen anyone eat a bowl of cereal in the back of his car before.

@sarah1mc

Oh, you wash your clothes each time you wear them? Well la de da, your majesty.

@ArfMeasures

SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird

@SonOfCha

Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.

@AndyAsAdjective

*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*

ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?

@darksidedeb

Bull: [angrily snorts]

Bulldog: [angrily barks]

French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]

@JustDontBugMe

When I found out that my neighbour is allergic to cats
I bought one
And I have never seen him since.

@GeorgiaSweet20

[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?

@junejuly12

No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.