I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
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[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.