Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.

Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.

The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.

Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.

[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?

Happy birthday to actor Sam Elliot, who turns 80 today, and to his mustache, who turns 79.

GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish

Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.

Also me:

Dad: What do you want for your birthday?

Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.

Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.

The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.

Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?

Batman: You’re the decoy

[1st date]

HER: I’m really into PETA

ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus

“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.

She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.

Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.

Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.

Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.

*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes

Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate

Him: U started your diet, didn’t u

I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.

I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.

Bite me.

Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone

Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?

Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum

what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom

*strums guitar*

This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”

Hope you like it.

i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking

In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’

My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.

Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.

I wish all tests were things you peed on

Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?

me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.

lawyer: i think you mean alleged.

me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.

Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.

I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.