I snorted all the lines i was supposed to read between
You Might Also Like
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
My dog burst through the screen door yesterday so I’m dressing her up as the Kool-Aid man for Halloween.
Snoop: Murder was the case that they gave me.
Me: oh, mine was public urination, so same
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
For the baby who has everything
Well well well…
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
buying a used car and telling people it’s a rescue
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.