I snorted all the lines i was supposed to read between
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I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
I’m gonna tell my kids these were the Avengers
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
The reason I wrap my potato in tinfoil before baking it is so that the government can’t tell what the potato is thinking
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy