Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.

Ice skating is like walking in cursive

Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.

[police raid at balloon store]

Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”

Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”

Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.

you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”

Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.

kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them

My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”

I think I’m good.

I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.

Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.

First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.

Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.

In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.

Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?

Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?

[My funeral]

Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust

*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*

Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?

Im on the metro and a guy just went “wow!!!” real loud and i assumed it was about the trump verdict but he’s actually just looking at pictures of pandas

My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.

People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.

Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure

Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest

Nobody:

Me: An investigator

These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.

Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.

I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.

ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and

Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,

the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps

It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt

hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food

Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!

My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”

Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!