Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bird: Good morning! How are you?

Me: Oh my God! You can talk!

Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.

I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up

A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.

Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.

When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too

Me: I’ll take one insurance

Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that

Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please

If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse

IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.

[Zombie Apocalypse]

Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: K

Mascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese

*dies*

Therapist: and what do we do about people who hurt us
Me: we go to a cemetery and fill up a jar of cemetery dirt, add a piece of their hair and fingernail clippings, add a chicken bone then scream at it for a month?
Therapist: NO

MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers

[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.

There were shockingly few machete murders at tennis camp.

ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”

AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad

ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big

It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.

I was at the Doctors office and he said the nurse was coming to give me a shot. I said, ” can my day get any worse?” Dr said to relax and as he walked out he said, ” and prostate exam today too’

Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.

The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.

I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken

Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes

When I was a kid I thought Original Sin meant that everyone had one weird sin they did in their life that no one else had done before and you had to work out what it was

*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*

I find as I get older it’s the little things that bring me joy. Like embarrassing my children.

Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.

My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.

Mars: I’m wet

NASA: I’m coming over

If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.

*Me at a fitness consult

Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?

Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.

the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word

I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals