Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti

Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.

Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.

(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?

Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding

Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.

I would love to be the reason you look at your phone and smile

Then walk into a wall

I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?

Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9

they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup

I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.

*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*

Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.

Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.

Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…

Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.

A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.

[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”

I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching

when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table

*text alert*

me: i hope that’s my crush

pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today

HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same

I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.

The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease

So, I got banned from the toy store today…

Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?

Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?

you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too

“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.

ME: *gets down on one knee*

HER: omg

ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome

[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane

[my first day at the spa]

*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*