Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boss said I’m not allowed to nap at my desk, but apparently I’m not allowed to bring my bed into the office either. Make up your mind!

This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.

Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.

Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.

Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.

Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.

Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-

Me: Is this even a garden??

Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.

If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.

ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail

Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.

Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years

“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions

Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?

7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting

Can I donate fat instead of blood?

*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*

John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.

These dogs look like they have good credit.

When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?

I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……

Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom

If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic

Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa

Adele: I set fire to Lorraine

Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone

Lorraine: Stop it

I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭

It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.

Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!

*falls down and covers himself with leaves*

Her: We’re in a zoo!!

Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.

[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad

this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person

If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.

On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.

I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.