I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
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*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
Sorry I was late for our date. The wheels in my heelies got stuck in a storm grate again.
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults