Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.

What do we want?

A CURE FOR PARANOIA

When do we want it?

WHO WANTS TO KNOW

I know i asked for constructive criticism, but what I actually wanted was for you to tell me I’m extremely hilarious, and also handsome. Sorry if that was unclear.

Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds

me: *how* many seconds???

computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”

me: “yea”

If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.

I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.

But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.

oh you like architecture? name three walls

Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”

I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.

Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again

if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”

[watching nature documentary]

*hawk kills mouse*

That’s so amazing.

*hawk kills lizard*

I could watch this all day.

*hawk kills bunny*

MURDERER! *turns off TV*

I have three kids: a 14-year-old, an 11-year-old, and an imaginary child who is actually to blame for everything the other two get accused of.

Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻‍♀️😂

If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.

You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.

Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.

What I heard: Ma’am

Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.

I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.

Just kidding. Could you imagine?

I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.

Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.

I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.

[trying on a camouflage jacket]

Me: how much is this

Store Clerk: how much is what

[First Date]

Me: I’ll just have a salad.

[Second Date]

Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.

Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up

“Hermit crab” describes me twice.

*me filing for unemployment*

Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours

Me: so you’re only open 4 hours

Unemployment Office: yes any other questions

Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office

Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.

My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.