I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
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I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
Rastafarian guy in the sauna this morning was telling me I should be making my own honey. “Anyone can buy a bee”, he said. I nodded, taking it to heart. There was a 10 second pause, after which a Polish bodybuilder in the corner interjected: “you need more bee”
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
When I lived in DC I once overheard a man tell a woman in a bar: “if the 19 people ahead of me all died one day, I’d be the acting Secretary of Agriculture.”
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
i’m a single issue voter. i’m single and it’s an issue
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
Just watched a vid about the benefits of couples vacationing together and I’m wondering how I missed the train where couples vacationed separately.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.