I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
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Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?