@jwoodham

I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.

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@Token_Geezer

Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on

@HenpeckedHal

I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!

Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?

@Browtweaten

me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval

date: that seems like a lot

me: parking garage actually

date: what

me: what

@TheCatWhisprer

No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.

@robdelaney

The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.

@PrettyInCamo11

You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one

@Rica_Bee

Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?

5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”

@MissNaughty1801

8y:thank you for the present
grandma

….: no need..

8y: that’s what I thought too but mum said I have to

@mydmac

Diet day 1

I have removed all the bad food from the house.

It was delicious.