I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.

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Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on


I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!

Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?


me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval

date: that seems like a lot

me: parking garage actually

date: what

me: what


No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.


The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.


You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one


Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?

5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”


8y:thank you for the present

….: no need..

8y: that’s what I thought too but mum said I have to


Diet day 1

I have removed all the bad food from the house.

It was delicious.