Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.

Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know

My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call

Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.

The judge, however called it compelling evidence

*eye roll*

(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?

[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar

*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”

WEBSITE: Forgetting something? We noticed you left something in your basket

MOSES’S PARENTS: ummm…

TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall

Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh

“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”

Twitter is an abusement park.

I’m not too proud to admit I’ve slept my way to the bottom.

My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”

*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away

going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason

What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination

Wife: Can you make the bed

Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon

FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swear

ME: is it your liver & kidneys?

i bet it’s your liver & kidneys

I’ll only give a restaurant a 5 star review if the couple at the next table are breaking up.

SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*

i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table

My middle-schooler who happens to be at Comedy Camp this week just caught me using my fingers to calculate the month then ran to write it down so his final showcase should be sufficiently horrifying.

interviewer: why do u want this job

me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent

Denmark has recalled packets of instant Korean ramen for being too spicy. In related news, the United Kingdom has recalled packets of plain instant porridge for the same reason.

[highspeed chase]

ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*

[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]

Terminator: [arriving in 2024, current timeline] yikes, send me back

Dis earing letters?

There’s an ‘app’ for that.

Oh your baby’s name is Walter?

Is he close to retirement?

My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.

This is my time to shine.