Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.

Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!

Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?

If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”

Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?

If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.

[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man

some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe

Don’t wait until you’re on your death bed to let them know how you feel. You may be too weak to raise your middle finger.

Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️‍🔥

Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it

If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.

[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]

We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.

St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.

Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.

Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?

Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.

[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911

[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!

I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.

I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.

Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times

All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!

-if bras could talk

If my son ever came out as gay I’d be so furious. Furious that he never gave me fashion advice

[doctor hooking wires to my chest]

ME: What are you doing?

DOC: Echocardiogram

ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test

reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment

7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content

-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter

[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.

bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies

I like to finish other people’s sentences because

my version is better.

I’m surprised to learn very few people wash their undies in the kitchen sink

Anyhow HR wants to have another “chat”