“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
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Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
No, I don’t think I will.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1