Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce

Her: the what?

Me: the Westminster Shore sauce

Her: are you having a stroke?

Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce

Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-

Me: the Willmington Scone sauce

Her: please, it’s getting worse

Me: the Wank-

7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!

4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!

Do I like to live dangerously?

I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick

I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.

Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.

My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS

Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.

If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.

I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen

ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single

I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes

we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on

I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.

It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.

Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.

Warden: Have you completed your analysis?

Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL

Warden: I’m not paying you

[Chevy commercial]

“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”

Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded

Woman: I feared for my life the entire time

Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”

Me: “Efficient.”

Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke

TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…

I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast it had to be done by Elvis

When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.

Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.

My Mom: you just have to poop.

My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.

Parish Council to all moorside residents –

Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.

Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.

PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*

A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.

Can I get a Hallelujah?

Hallelujah!

Can I get an Amen?

Amen!

Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?

*crickets*