“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
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This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
Got kicked out of the pool for practicing synchronized swimming because my partner apparently “had no idea who I was or what I was doing.”
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”