I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
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I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
fired
If you factor in the complimentary drinks, I only lost 3000 dollars at blackjack.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
A small tragedy.
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog