Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Only you can prevent podcasts

[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?

No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!

For all I know, you could be a vegan.

interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?

me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbook

interviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?

me:
that’s not what i said

I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.

Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.

Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.

which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.

[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback

Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.

Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”

I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.

Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.

Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!

Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”

Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.

WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!

You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?

i may live alone but I keep the toilet seat DOWN in case a woman burglar needs to use it

I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.

[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it

According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.

The worst part of all-you-can-eat buffets are all the witnesses

This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣

Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.

Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.

Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?

Tomato: No.

*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*

Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.

*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*

when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders

My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break

LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories

ME: shouldn’t it have more?

hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit