I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
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Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Soldiers seen here arriving before the infamous Battle of Baguettysburg.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything